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Do you know what gets my goat?
(Alright, other than Gianluca Vialli, Ainsley Harriot, the fact that I can't
seem to take photos on light-overcast days without blowing the sky out, J*r*me B*tt*s,
Jim Carrey, the guy in the Cillet Bang advert who keeps fucking shouting at me,
the British tabloid press, how shit the last three series of Red Dwarf were, Luton
Town Football Club, alcopops, the phrase "agree to disagree", George Lucas,
people who can't use apostrophes properly, approximately every new British sitcom
since Black Books, Nickelback, how unbelievably slipshod the PC conversions of Madden
are, Mel Gibson, slugs, the cancellation of Firefly, James Blunt, how much the movie
of High Fidelity missed the fucking point, Starforce, Hillary Duff, getting big
pocket-pairs cracked for a fortune when some bozo calls a pre-flop raise then trips-out
his poxy kicker, Tom Hanks, New Labour, film adaptations of Alan Moore comics, the
WWE, all car adverts but especially the Mazda "Zoom-zoom-zoom" and Seat
"Looks like there's more than one out there!" bullshit efforts, mediums
and, of course, Bono.)
I'll tell you. Well, in the form of a question.
Who, in the name of all that's sacred, is perpetuating the current vogue for those
fucking "Next Week..." montages that crop up at the end of every. Fucking.
Drama. On TV?
It makes no sense to me. Who the fuck are these bloody things aimed at? That vast
segment of the population who tune in for the last thirty seconds of a show? Look,
you arsewitted morons, if I've just sat all the way through an hour of your bloody
programme then I obviously LIKE it, alright? And if I like it, then I'm going to
be watching next week. Approximately the last thing I want or need is a bloody trailer
that in-fucking-evitably makes watching the first half of the next episode completely
bloody POINTLESS by giving away the first two plot twists. Sweet zombie Jesus! I'm
not a bloody soap-opera fan, for the love of God, I don't need to read the plot
of the show in a magazine beforehand so that I'll be able to follow it when it's
on. Who's DOING this to us, and how can they be stopped?
Adding a teaser to the end of your otherwise pretty-decent programme (Life
On Mars) ought to be punishable by flogging. Adding a teaser in the middle of
your programme's credits without giving adequate and fair warning that a teaser's
coming up (Doctor
Who) should be a hanging offence. But I can't even start to comprehend the sort
of twisted inhuman mind it would take to decide to put out a DVD of a series and
keep the fucking teasers intact at the end of each and every show (oh yes, Spooks,
you know I'm looking in your fucking direction).
There's a special circle of hell reserved for these people, where they'll roast
in infernal fires alongside game developers who inflict unskippable cutscenes upon
us, cold-call telemarketers who open the conversation by insisting that they're
not selling anything and every other fucker whose sole purpose on this earth is
to taint our vanishingly small supply of free time and so make our lives just that
little bit more unbearable.
